I've got nothing by means of a title

I really wish I could just accept myself as I am, and stop comparing myself to others. Rather, I wish I could accept the not-so-great parts of myself as part of a whole that I hope is, for the most part, good.

I am selfish. I am often impatient. I like to be the center of attention. Being thanked is important to me. Material displays of thanks are gratifying. When I do a good deed, I often draw attention to it--or worse, I brag about it.

These are not some my best qualities, and the worst part is that it's sort of like being aware you are about to have a seizure: you know it's going to happen, but you're powerless to stop it. I am very much aware of every time I am displaying one of these qualities, and I sufficiently hate myself during and for a long to after they have happened. Yet I cannot find the switch inside myself to turn them off and reroute that energy somewhere more positive.

A friend says there's a thing called "the happy pessimist." I like to think that describes me. I am not Little Miss Sunshine. Things that come very naturally to some in my life, I can barely half accomplish when I put in all my efforts. I know I will never have the easy can-do attitude, nor the energy to give 125% at my job like most of my coworkers. And instead of looking at the 100% I do give and feeling good about it, I just feel like a massive piece of shit, and a general failure as a human being.

I've just come off the most taxing and unforgiving week of work, and I'm trying to remember to be kind to myself, to acknowledge the hard work I put in, to remember my job is different than my colleagues' jobs, and that because of my efforts, that very difficult week went as smoothly as anyone could hope, and in many cases, if not for me, the whole thing would have fallen apart. I know that I am an important part of a very hardworking team of workers. But I also cannot shake the feeling of being the bottom of the totem pole, and at the bottom, it's hard for those above me with more and worse responsibilities to sympathize with my little woes. I've retreated inside my own self these last few days because I know any complaints I have about being tired, or stressed, will kind of be met with an eyeroll and a "poor you" from those who have been pulling even worse schedules that I have lately. It's terrible, but this time of year, no one really cares about anyone else's troubles. Which is the worst because we're all in need of some support, but very few of us have any fuel left in the tank to give support away.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. It's just a bad morning, and I wanted to vomit some of this out there into the void. Since no one pays attention to this blog anyway (except you, Mom--hi), I figure it's an okay space.