My soul feels tired. My 29th birthday is coming up, and I've been doing a lot of life-thinkin' and soul-searchin', and I'm just tired all the way to the marrow of my bones.
John and I are, for the most part, successful adults. But we're at the point where we are in between the big life-happenings while a lot of friends are in progress with big life-happenings. And because I torture myself with comparisons, I'm feeling pretty darn stuck.
We've been married for three years, so we've checked off the whole wedding thing. We've been in the house for a whole year already, so that's checked off the "big deal" list as well. We are not ready nor are we interested in kids yet (well, I'm at vastly unprepared and rather disinterested because I let fear rule me; John is at mildly prepared and rather interested), so we're in the weird phase of marriage where nothing is happening aside from continuing to pay bills and continuing to stress about everything. We're in the invisible stage--no one checks in on us begging for news or photos or to visit with us because nothing exciting is going on. There's no wedding details to talk about, no house listings to pore over, and no newborns to coo at. We are empty nesters, an old married couple in 28- and 30- year old bodies.
John's job situation is settled out and he is happy and comfortable again. My career feels like I'm running on a treadmill, staring at goals I'll never physically get close to. This analogy is all too real when I am actually on the treadmill at the gym, staring at a pillar that remains a fixed distance away. Running outside feels like accomplishment: I pass trees, I pass other runners. I make progress. I don't like the treadmill--real or metaphorical.
I watch a lot of my friends enjoying the firsts I've already experienced with nostalgia--suddenly they see and appreciate the work that goes into a wedding, the horror and elation of buying your first home. In fairness, these moments are the ones that are vindication for parents. Suddenly, we realize they weren't being tightwads about taking extra long showers or leaving all the lights on--shit costs money! I get it, Mom and Dad. You may now laugh and say, "I told you so."
But I also watch my friends' lives take off on different and amazing paths. Paths that throw my life and accomplishments into harsh relief. All told, I've done a fat lot of nothing outside of not going broke and maintaining a job. Everyone has worked hard, but when I work hard, too, and see no payoff at the end, it makes me wonder what I'm doing so wrong, or maybe more accurately, what I'm doing so differently. Would a more important-sounding title make me feel better? Yes! Because I'd feel like how I'm "categorized" actually and accurately reflects all of the hard work I'm doing. Will it make me happy? Maybe, maybe not. I have no idea what career path would actually make me happy. My callings, as I've discussed here, are all pretty damn useless unless you've got the moxy to tread the path less trodden, and I'm not entirely certain I do.
It's also very upsetting that as lives take different shapes, we seem to be losing touch with folks who either cannot (or choose not to) relate to us, or whom we're having a difficult time relating to ourselves. The kids things has been particularly polarizing--having none ourselves, our friends who do have kids sort of don't know what to make of us or how to include us anymore, instead banding closer to their friends who are likewise child-ed. I'm not good at letting go, so I continue to let this bother me. I also have friends in new relationships who are just in that bubble of new-ness, and like I said, I'm not good at letting go, so I just let jealousy eat me up.
And finally, perhaps the most grown-up test of friendship, distance, has been the most minimal factor. Do I talk with my far-flung friends as often as I did when they were a close drive away? No. But I and my LD friends have realized how important our friendships are, and work that much harder to stay in touch. Thank goodness for the text message and for Facebook because we can stay in touch in near-real time, making it almost as good as actually being together. Unlike a phone call, you can text a random thought and get an immediate response at any time, almost like random late-night slumber party banter.
I guess this is the part where I admit I'm just going through another movement where I'm adding to the cosmic question of "What is it all about?" I'm feeling small and insignificant and lonely and worthless. I'm feeling frustrated and trapped and overwhelmed. That all this is coming up at Christmas isn't a coincidence...folks are looking to the new year, to new things and new resolutions and new opportunities. All I see is a question mark stretching out forever, and it makes me feel very anxious rather than hopeful.
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