Maureen in Therapy

I have made the decision to begin talking with a therapist. I have been in this major depression (my term, not a clinical diagnosis...well, not yet anyway) for about 7 months. It's time to climb out of the pit.

It is something I've been thinking about for quite a while, but I think I hit the proverbial bottom recently, and then something weird happened: I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. I actually had to leave work one day because I was feeling utterly hollow, overwhelmed, and incapable of doing anything, let alone my high-stress job. So I left. I went home and in an effort to offgas some of the energy and anger and confusion, I spent a few hours setting up the office in our house. I felt good to be doing something, and to be doing something nice for John, since that will really be his sciencey man cave space. I let myself wallow in feeling awful for the rest of the night. Then I slept better than I had in a while, and I woke up feeling a little more hopeful than the morning before.

Granted, I was by no means my usual self, but there was that glimmer that said I was indeed buried somewhere in the shell I've been wearing, and there was something I could do to bring me back out. I muscled through the next few work days, and then my bosses sat me down for what I affectionately call The Intervention. It was everything an intervention should be: gentle and kind and caring and supportive. Again, something weird happened: I felt like I was going to be okay. Here were people who spend hours a week with me, and they just wanted me to feel better. I have been opening up more about being depressed, and as I continue to do that, I'm continually impressed with the support that is pouring toward me. Some people offer their own stories about depression and treatment and say they it was a positive and helpful experience for them. Some simply say they are glad I'm taking care of myself, and offer to help however they can. It's been good to feel valued and important to others, and to know they care.

I still think a big part of the depression is medication-related. I've since switched, but am waiting for it to be in my system long enough to tell if it makes a difference. I'm not going to hang all my hopes on that, though, because I know there are so many larger issues I need to work through, and another realization is that I do not have to work through them alone.

I still feel largely like a muted version of myself, and struggle to find pleasure in the things I typically enjoy. I still feel incredibly anxious and paranoid and sad and somewhat helpless. I worry about pushing away those I love. I've been looking through distorted glass for so long that it's hard for me to sit back and say, "No, Maureen, everyone does not hate you and think you're crazy. You do not screw up everything you attempt." But because I've been broiling in negativity and self-loathing for months, it's been difficult to focus on the positive and the good.

I have made the conscious effort to get better. I have created ridiculous mantras to repeat when I feel myself slipping and when it all just seems too overwhelming. I have put it on blast that I am depressed, and that I want to get better. And I made the difficult second step of actually calling and setting up an appointment with a therapist. Thank goodness for the resources I have here at Princeton. They have a wellness program here for us called CareBridge, and it gives you access to online resources as well as nutritionists, therapists, lifestyle coaches--and much of it is free or for a very nominal copay. For me, I will get 8 free sessions with the doctor, and then I think if I continue, it'll be a copay through my health insurance. I have to figure out the nitty gritty, but that is a bridge I will cross when I get to it.

In the meantime, I am still struggling. But it feels less like treading quicksand and more like treading water. It took a moment of clarity and hope for me to take this step. When I was entrenched in the mire, I couldn't imagine feeling any other way. But as soon as I had a time of feeling okay, I wanted to feel even better. And now I can bring the perspective of feeling a bit better to my sessions and hopefully arm myself with newfound knowledge about myself as well as ways to cope better if things begin to feel suffocating again.