Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen, my Friend, Tara

So just a little while ago, I got a text from Tara. It is possibly the best text I have ever received.

From Tara:
"I just cut the tip of my thumb off cutting potatoes and it hurts like a MOFO!!!! It won't stop bleeding--what do you think I should do?"

I, of course, called her immediately, and, when she answered her phone in giggles that must have been part delirium and part embarrassment, I yelled, "YOU TEXTED ME THAT?! REALLY?!" Apparently, by the time she consulted me, the clear medical expert, it had been half an hour of bleeding with no signs of stopping. This, plus holding her arm above her head for 30 minutes explains the delirium. When John and I inquired what kind of knife she was using, she declared, "It was a butcher knife. A really nice one--it was Wolfgang Puck!"

Then I learned the true chain of events.

1. start cutting taters
2. cut finger
3. run to bathroom, where husband is showering, to demand a band aid and help
4. Google search "how do I stop the bleeding after cutting off my thumb"
5. text me

I feel like after step #2, a nice call to a local hospital or doctor's office would have been prudent, but then we'd have no story.

And this, the latest text update from the knife0-wielding wonder herself:

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Open Letter to People of Snow-Bound Areas

Dear People of Snow-Bound Areas,

Why do you lose your minds? Why? Yesterday, I needed to pick up some essentials at the food store before the second half of this one-two punch storm came through. Like many of you, I thought it wise to accomplish this in the afternoon before the bad weather arrived in the area. Why this means that the otherwise pleasant aisles of my local Shop Rite turned into a disaster area looting site, I do not know.

Mothers, I saw your carts careening, babies thrown willy-nilly as you played Supermarket Sweep in your head: FORMULA! DIAPERS! MUFFINS! CHOCOLATE! All I could do was pull my cart over and stay the hell out of your way, psychos. And just barely.

Elderly people, you at least maintained the same slow pace, clogged the aisles with your double-parked carts, and blocked entire displays of canned fruit. The problem, of course, in this unique situation is that you also blocked the emergency pull-offs for the rest of us, leaving us at the mercy of the zooming shoppers.

And why do people lose all conception of where things are? I must have seen the same woman pass me like five times going from one end of the store to the other and back again to pick up who knows what. MILK! WHERE IS THE MILK? WHERE IS THE COLD STUFF!

I was so happy to get out of there and come home. I can only imagine what it was like when the 9-to-fivers started filling the stores on their way home, heavy snow imminent. Oy.

And so, People of Snow-Bound Areas, I hope you enjoy your stash of goodies picked up yesterday, and in case you're wondering, that toe you ran over will be just fine.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Kudos Yahoo for being cheeky. This is a response from everyone's favorite bot personality, Mailer Daemon.

Thu, February 4, 2010 3:00:25 PM

Hi. This is the qmail-send program at
I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses.
This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Playtime with Kitten

These are videos I had taken before Hammy got sick, but I didn't want to post them until he was feeling all better. So here, without further adieu, is Hamlet VS Toy and Hardwood Floors!

And here are some pics of Hammy checking out the many squirrels that live in our yard. This one is perched on the corner of the chain-link fence in the patch of land John and I hope to garden in come spring.

This is Hammy, post-hospital stay, with his naked tummy.