Slight Intermission

John is at home today with our Eagle Scout friend installing (well, re-installing) the ceiling fans the sellers left us. Our air conditioned passed its inspection and test by AJ Perri with flying colors, but we are learning that our ductwork is just not up to the task of moving air upstairs. It was a good 10 degrees colder up there all winter (you could feel the change in climate about halfway up the stairs!), and it's definitely warmer and stuffier up there in this warmer summer(ish) weather we've been having.

The sellers had to remove the three ceiling fans in the bedrooms upstairs because they failed the inspection--apparently they were all at the ideal chopping height for children jumping on beds. Even after pointing out we are two adults with no children, they had to go. So the sellers removed them and installed a few simple stock flush-mounted lights, but they did leave us the fans. Which will now hopefully help to control the climate up there a bit better.

Only 2 have light kits, though, so one room will now need a floor lamp and some task lighting. We're thinking that since guests won't have muscle memory enough to walk through the darkened guest room and make it to the bedside lamp, it's pretty important to have overhead lighting controlled by a switch at the door. Likewise, I like having garish overhead lighting in the master bedroom cuz it's easier when putting away laundry (matching socks!), or test-driving outfits after the sun goes down (which is rather early in the colder months). This probably means the office will get the light-less fan, and we'll have to pick up a floor lamp and a desk lamp for me (John has one). Which is fine. It's very bright in there thanks to the window (which we can't open cuz the crank handle is missing...been on the we-should-fix-that list since move-in...sigh), and with all the extended daylight hours in the summer, lamps can definitely wait.

So in addition to the fans, I've picked up a few very small items I've swapped out around the house, namely a new lamp shade in the living room, a new bedside lamp for me, and a trio or small mirrors in the upstairs hallway that I hope will bounce around light and make it seem a bit brighter up there. Oh, and a sweet new outside doormat for the deck. So all in all small spruces, but big improvements. I'll throw together some photos and do a post later on including the fans.

Larger projects coming soon will be painting the kitchen and laundry room and maybe the upstairs hallway, once we figure out how to tackle the enormous vault over the stairs. My dad is 6'8"...I'm thinking we'll have to call him in for reinforcements. Then I am DYING to finish off the guest room. It functions, but sort of feels hyper-neglected since the rest of the house has come together. I think we've finally settled on a paint color, and that has helped me figure out what direction to take with some of the decorative accents. It's feeling pretty stark in there now, and is kind of the wah-wah on the house tour. haha

BUT I've rambled on. The real intermission I wanted to take was to say I am now officially 4 months away from my 10-miler race, and I am 40% excited and 60% terrified. I am beginning to amp up my mileage and work on new pacing and endurance goals. I've got to add in some energy gels on training runs in a few weeks when I eek up from 5 miles as my long run to 7 miles, and then so on and so on.

I'm getting to the point where 5 miles feels like a comfortable challenge. I have worked out a good walk-run pattern so I can sustain the miles without feeling like death after the 5K mark. This means I can translate that into longer distances. I'm also pretty happy with my timing--covering 5 miles in just about 55 minutes, meaning I'm basically at exactly the halfway point: I'm running half the race distance in just about half of my goal race time. Sometimes when I'm out there, I feel awesome and empowered. Others I'm like, "What the hell was I thinking? I hate myself." But I just keep on running, and even after a total shit run, I'm glad I did it. Cuz a crappy run is better than none at all. Most of the time

Fun New Kitchen Accessory

I came across something in Kitchen Kapers like a year ago and have been wishy washy about it since then. Then recently, in all places, the proverbial light bulb went off while I was in Starbucks one morning getting coffee.

The item was this little ceramic base that you can use to hold any plate and turn it into a cake stand! While I was on line in Starbucks, someone ahead of me bought the last croissant or whatever, and the barista lifted up the empty plate, and there waiting underneath it was a base like the one linked above. At that moment, like angelsong, I was like, "I NEED THAT IN MY LIFE!" I have a vintage-style glass domed cake stand and a pretty, ceramic floral one from my mom, but this would let me use any one of the plates I already own--so I'd get a huge number of looks plus I'd be adding a third raised food server to my collection, which is always good when trying to preserve table space for, you know, eating.

So with this one basic, neutral piece, I quickly mocked up a few different looks:

Even our everyday Fiestaware plates look elegant when elevated.

And as if I didn't already have a problem with accumulating dishes, I now see a realm for lovely bowls...someone help me. Seriously.

This will be the most beautiful guacamole server in the land!

 From my kitchen to yours, good night! (That reminds me...I've got a corn bread to bake.)

Some Random Sprucing Around the Cottage on a Beautiful Saturday

Soon, we'll be off to my parents' house (which has also been spruced with a new roof, some new paint in their living room, and some patching on the ceilings where the old roof had been leaking) to celebrate Father's Day with a backyard BBQ.

But I wanted to quickly share some of the work we did around the house yesterday. I started off with an early-morning run while John mowed the front and back lawns. We have this really cute push mower since both of our yards are so small. Once we had both showered and eaten a good breakfast, we headed up to Lowe's to get some colorful annuals for the front garden beds. John picked up a few other items for projects and then we rounded out the trip with 4 tiki torches for the back yard.

As soon as we got home, I grabbed my garden gear and got to diggin'! It's pretty modest right now, but I hope things will fill in soon. I also don't want to go too nuts too soon (as much as I want the perfectly grown/overgrown garden, I'm sadly aware that that takes time and work...boo). So I put in some impatiens in the garden bed under the front bay window, and by the mailbox planter, I put in some celosia, which I've always wanted to plant! It looks like a little gnome hat or like a wishnick's (troll doll's) hair. To add some vertical interest, I also planted three sections of angelonia. The garden bed by the mailbox, like the two around our two dogwoods, has a circular perimeter filled with vinca vines. The trees' vinca are flourishing--nice and voluminous. The vinca around the mailbox...not so much. It was looking a little wimpy. So I'm hoping with the added color that area will now look a bit punched up. I also weeded the bejesus out of the crack where our curd meets the street and grabbed a bunch of the weeds sprouting up in our gravel driveway. I left some of the more "charming" ones--some clover, etc.--but grabbed the big old ones that were getting tall.

As for later plans...I will put in 1 or 2 hydrangea bushes under the front bay window (will probably buy them soon and container them until I can plant them come fall). And in the backyard...ugh, this will be WORK. I'll have to carve out a defined garden bed along the back fence. Then the current plan is a peony bush in the center, flanked by a hydrangea on either side, and finally a rose bush at either corner. Still fine-tuning that, but again it looks like most of those are fall plantings so I can container them if that's the route I decide to go and then put them in the ground when the weather cools. A nice way to mark one year in the house, methinks. I'll keep you posted about developments there. For now, here are some shots of progress in the front:

With previously transplanted irises and before weeding.

After adding impatiens and after weeding--now you can see the border!

Sad-looking and both ill-filled in with vinca and overgrown with random grass.

After! Cleaned up, weeded out, and colored up.

Angelonia.

Celosia.

My other projects yesterday were both very quick.

First, I have been loathing the blue-painted threshold in our kitchen since day 1. It strikes me as odd that the sellers either painted it that way themsleves or never addressed it from the sellers they inherited it from. Their aesthetic was very modern, and this, combined with the floral laminate floor reads decidedly country--and not cute French cottage country or farmhouse country, I'm talking honky Americana country, which is my least favorite look of all. Anyway, we had some white paint left by the sellers, so I grabbed the can, and slapped it over the blue paint and badda bing: happiness every time I walk by.

Ugh...so awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh my gosh, 100% better!

It's not a huge change, but it's enough that I stop and stare at it.

Yes. So fresh and so clean!

The other was a doorknob switcharoo on the bathroom door. That door has been begging for a vintage crystal knob, but man...that ish is expensive! So while at Lowe's yesterday, we wandered by an aisle and looking right at me was a glass knob that looked like the more expensive crystal ones. I'm talking this one was $9 and the others are usually $100 or more. Sold.

Here's the door before, closed and viewed from the laundry room.

Close-up...snoooorrreeee! And also, ew.

After--looking sharp!

Look at that swagger. Get down with your bad self, door!

Two remaining issues: one, you can see there's no screw in the hole there--we have to drill pilot holes before we can fasten the little rosette plate. But since the knob is holding them on rather tightly, we're less worried about this in the short-term. If they start to loosen or slip, we'll address it then. And these knobs are exactly the same on both sides: as in no lock. But, again, we're less concerned about this in the short term. The door itself does not actually shut very well thanks to crooked seams from the house settling. So even though our old doorknob had a lock, it didn't really function anyway because of how the door closes. The real fix will be to put in an entirely new door, and we'd want to flip it--currently, the door opens so that the light switch is behind where the door swings in. Not a huge issue, but certainly inconvenient, especially for guests who aren't familiar with our dear Cottage's quirks, or when we need to get in there when it's pitch black. But for now, we're both very happy with the little facelift.

Saturday was a day of curb appeal and mini nips and tucks. And we love all of them.

Until next time, happy Father's Day to everyone, especially my amazing Dad, whom I'm always grateful for when I have another "Oh my gosh, I'm turning into my father" moment. Yes, we are very different people. But when it comes down to the core of it all, I'm very glad to have the foundation I have thanks to him.

I've got nothing by means of a title

I really wish I could just accept myself as I am, and stop comparing myself to others. Rather, I wish I could accept the not-so-great parts of myself as part of a whole that I hope is, for the most part, good.

I am selfish. I am often impatient. I like to be the center of attention. Being thanked is important to me. Material displays of thanks are gratifying. When I do a good deed, I often draw attention to it--or worse, I brag about it.

These are not some my best qualities, and the worst part is that it's sort of like being aware you are about to have a seizure: you know it's going to happen, but you're powerless to stop it. I am very much aware of every time I am displaying one of these qualities, and I sufficiently hate myself during and for a long to after they have happened. Yet I cannot find the switch inside myself to turn them off and reroute that energy somewhere more positive.

A friend says there's a thing called "the happy pessimist." I like to think that describes me. I am not Little Miss Sunshine. Things that come very naturally to some in my life, I can barely half accomplish when I put in all my efforts. I know I will never have the easy can-do attitude, nor the energy to give 125% at my job like most of my coworkers. And instead of looking at the 100% I do give and feeling good about it, I just feel like a massive piece of shit, and a general failure as a human being.

I've just come off the most taxing and unforgiving week of work, and I'm trying to remember to be kind to myself, to acknowledge the hard work I put in, to remember my job is different than my colleagues' jobs, and that because of my efforts, that very difficult week went as smoothly as anyone could hope, and in many cases, if not for me, the whole thing would have fallen apart. I know that I am an important part of a very hardworking team of workers. But I also cannot shake the feeling of being the bottom of the totem pole, and at the bottom, it's hard for those above me with more and worse responsibilities to sympathize with my little woes. I've retreated inside my own self these last few days because I know any complaints I have about being tired, or stressed, will kind of be met with an eyeroll and a "poor you" from those who have been pulling even worse schedules that I have lately. It's terrible, but this time of year, no one really cares about anyone else's troubles. Which is the worst because we're all in need of some support, but very few of us have any fuel left in the tank to give support away.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this. It's just a bad morning, and I wanted to vomit some of this out there into the void. Since no one pays attention to this blog anyway (except you, Mom--hi), I figure it's an okay space.

I'm mashing a lot of crap in this one post cuz I am lazy

#sorrynotsorry

First up: happenings in the gardens in and around the Cottage. It'll take us a few years, but we've started work to transform the yards into what we want them to be. That mainly means removing and transplanting a lot of stuff. We haven't yet bought anything new to put in, but John is finalizing his plans for vegetables. Have to get those going soon!

Here's what we inherited in the backyard:

 

My man! < 3

Not much has happened, but things look immensely better barren than filled with ugly shrubs. I took advantage of some container gardening. They have all filled out since I took these initial photos, and the pansies in particular are flourishing!

In other outdoor news, we have a new addition on the deck: a comfortable and lovely 6-seat dining set! We got it just in the nick of time to host a Mother's Day brunch with John's parents and grandparents and my parents. Thankfully, the weather cooperated, and it was a beautiful day in the backyard.

All we're currently missing is a grill, and it's John's homework to start researching what he'd like so we can hopefully catch a Memorial Day/Father's Day sale. I realize I'll need one or two nice and large serving trays to get things from the kitchen to the grill/table!

Here are a few choice pics from Mother's Day Brunch, which thankfully everything thought was perfect. I bought 2 quiches to serve, and baked cinnamon buns and macarons. John's family brought fruit salad, and my parents brought cheese and crackers. I  made a bowl of mimosa punch, and filled the glass beverage dispenser with water and slices of lemon and lime. Perfect light refreshments for a warm and sunny Sunday.

Lastly, this afternoon I addressed a few more blank walls (I'm slowly conquering them all!). My mom brought me some plate racks to use for my china tea/dessert plates. I installed them this afternoon with help from John. An extra set of hands definitely came in handy.There was a lot of eyeballing, a lot of measuring, and a lot of using my level. But using a level when there are no straight lines seems a bit defeatist. Our dear house is 100 years old, and it has no square corners, so what shows as level in the little bubbles often winds up looking crooked when compared to the lines of the ceiling, walls, and window frames. Ah, well. I just chalk it up to the charm--can't have things rolling off shelves now! haha

Expanses of blank wall...

Thanks to an auto-timer, we held the shelves in place to get a feel for how they'd look.

Thankfully we liked the look so I went for it!

 And by the way, I know the credenza is terribly off-center. The AC vent is in the floor in line with the left corner of the windowsill. So we can't center the credenza without covering it. Wah wah.

And here's my current favorite view, as seen from the couch in the living room.

The wood of the shelves is actually a serendipitous match to the wood trim throughout the lower level. They were destined for these walls. Thanks, Mom!

And with that, I am ending this ridiculously disjointed and long post.

Update: Maureen in Therapy

Back in November, I talked about seeing a therapist to help come back from a long and deep depression. I started seeing someone the following week, and recently had my last appointment, leaving the door open for ad-hoc tune-ups as I feel I need them.

Am I cured? No. But I am much, much better. I've gone from having weeks where I could barely get out of bed and spent the majority of the day crying or fighting back tears to having the occasional bad day. And even on those days, I still feel like myself. It's not so much that the circumstances of my life have become less stressful, but rather that I've now got a box full of tools I can pull out when things start to feel overwhelming and I see the blackness beginning to creep into the periphery.

My therapist and I talked a lot about my tendency to give my thoughts paralyzing power. Do I still do that? Sometimes, yes. But now I'm aware of it, and I have coping mechanisms in order to counter and fight back.

I've continued running throughout, and while it took a long time for running to feel therapeutic again and not like just another failure ("That didn't feel as good as it should have." "I should have covered more distance." "My pacing was way off...what a horrible effort."), I still kept at it because it is important to me. Surprisingly, I didn't write. At all. I didn't write about my depression or treatment here on the blog, and I didn't create any new poems. Which is weird because that has always been a very productive time for me as far as writing goes--I guess I just have a better negative vocabulary because writing happy poems has always proved to be 100% more difficult than writing ones detailing dark places. I did, however, write my first poem I consider "real" (as in I really thought about metaphor and theme and those things rather than spewing out a few thoughts and then arranging them on a page), and it was like I shook off the final bits of dust from my old self. It was like remembering a friend from childhood--it was a part of myself I had been walking around without for many months, and it felt amazing to be reconnected.

So here I am, 14 months after the initial onset, and after 7 months of attentive talk therapy. I am grateful to those who supported me when I set out on this journey to get well, and I am thankful still for those who are sticking by me as I continue to shed that old skin and leave it behind.

The tools I've gained in therapy are ones I can take with me in all the challenges I will meet, and ones, too, I can pass along to those who need them for their own battles. 2014 has been an enormously difficult year on personal, professional, and financial levels; it has probably been the most challenging year of my life so far, in fact. I, along with John, have undertaken some huge leaps--home ownership chief among them--and some have paid off, and some have disappointingly been learning experiences. But I feel that I can now handle things that would have broken me a year ago. And that's enough to remind me I have grown, and I will be okay. I am okay.

Thank you to anyone who has cared.

Flan

Firstly, the irises all along our driveway are finally blooming! I'm sad they weren't awake for our Mother's Day brunch (post on that to come), but it was such a lovely surprise to see when I walked out of the house this morning. The first truly beautiful thing to sprout up from the ground. I've got another post brewing about all the ugly shrubby crap we (okay, to be fair, that John) ripped out of the yard...

But here is quick post when I know I am backlogged on a lot of topics. Most pressingly, I realize I need to take photos of pretty much the entire house since I haven't shared more than isolated snippets over the last, holy cows, 7 months. The only room that still really feels unfinished to me is the guest room...I really want to slap up some paint, beef up the bedding, and hang some curtains. Maybe when we have more guests slated to stay over that'll be the kick in the pants I need.

Also on the to-do lists, in order of current importance:
1. Have AJ Perri come out and laugh at our AC unit and inspect it before it's AC season
2. Install light-blocking shades in the master bedroom (we get a 5:15 wake-up call thanks to the sun rising right into our room...ugh!)
3. Hang plate-rack shelving in the dining room to showcase and protect my china tea plates
4. Maybe do some more styling in the laundry room area--paint? hang some art? make that damned wall-mount AC unit box cover look intentional?

But for now, I'll leave you with a little adventure I took recently. I realize the culture shock of moving from French macarons to Spanish flan (for a Mexican holiday...I know, I know...just roll with it!), but it's all Mediterranean (except for the Mexico part). Hm...maybe that worked out better in my head. Oh, well.

John loves flan. Loves flan. If we're in a restaurant and it's on the menu, then he's assuredly saving room for dessert. As far as custards go, I tend to prefer creme brulee, but flan is growing on me. As I planned out our Cinco de Mayo dinner menu, I did some searching on the ever-reliable AllRecipes, and blammo: found an easy, un-intimidating recipe for flan that yielded lots of great reviews from other home bakers who tried it. I was on board.

First up is caramelizing sugar by melting it.

All caramely and good!

After making as many batches of macarons as I've made recently, this flan felt like a gimme: really all I needed to do was caramelize some sugar and toss the custard ingredients into a blender. What the what?! Honestly, the biggest challenge was figuring out a baking vessel...I don't have a casserole dish large enough to nestle a second casserole dish in to accomodate the water bath, so instead, I used two 9X13 cake pans and made individual flans in ramekins (which worked out for the better anyway, cuz it was super-easy, super-fun, super-storable single-serve desserts that we enjoyed all week!).

Cozy in a water bath, ready to bake up and custard-ize!

I'd totally make this again, and will work to find a solution so I can make one large serving of it if I want. But for now, I'm liking the result of the adorable indie sizes.

In fact, looking at this makes me sad it's gone. Sigh...